Trig Trance

The acrid smoke from the charcoal stings my nose. The hiss and sizzle of grease hitting the flames as I flip the burgers. I look up hearing a childish squeal just a little to close for comfort. A broad grin spreads across my face as I see you shooing them a safer distance away. Your hair falling from its hasty bun, your face flushed a twinkle in your eye as I watch you romp and chase them for a moment. Your laughter and their squeals send thrills of delight through me.



“Don’t burn dinner!” you holler letting me know I’d been caught staring. I turn my attention back to the grill a tidal wave of love and pride crashing through me until I fear drowning. I feel you slip your arm around my waist and lean against me slightly, I love the way you fit against me. You plant a kiss on the side of my chin and I smile and kiss your forehead.



“Dinners almost ready,” I say smiling bumping my hip softly against yours.



“I’ll go round up the kids and get them washed up.” I watch you stride off calling their names ushering them into the bathroom to wash their face and hands a smile on your face. I slide the patties of the grill and onto a platter carrying them to the stone picnic table already set up and ready to go. I lean down to pull the last few things out of the cooler including our drinks.



I let out a noise half grunt and half squeal as I feel a small body rocket into me from behind.



“Hungry?” I laugh picked our little man up and twirling him around before setting him in his seat. The girls laugh and play scrambling into theirs seats. As we sit down and get ready to eat a puzzled look crosses my face as my plate morphs into a math book the voice of the children distort becoming deeper and more mature. I look up and see a dozen teenage faces staring back at me.



“Ms. Fuller are you ok?” Mr. Johnson is standing at the head of my row looking at me.



“Yes sir,” I reply as a bright red heat marches up the back of my neck and over my ears.



“Would you care to answer the question?”



As I open my mouth the ask him to repeat it the bell rings saving me from further embarrassment. I jump up cramming books and papers into my bag feeling his eyes burning holes in my back all the way out the door. I sprint through the hall in an attempt to avoid the crushing mass of teenage humanity out the door and right up to the car.



“how was school?” my grandma inquires as I fall into the seat.


“Fantastic!” I reply enthusiastically with a bit of a chuckle as a bewildered smile settles on her face.

Defiance

A hole Depression
Buried in my soul
I run away
Peace and happiness for a while
But eventually things settle
And everything comes flooding back
I cannot drown you out forever

When will you go away
So the wounds can begin to heal
Everything is wonderful
Then you rear your ugly head
And it all seems so unreal

I love her
And like a smack
To the face
You laugh inside my head
And tell me
I do not belong
Alive among the human race
And she’ll never love you back
Why does this time of year bring you around
The happiness and joy
Reflected on everyone’s face
Mocks the emptiness in my heart
And the chill I can’t burn away
Try as I might I cannot forget you
Cannot forget
Events of my past
Cannot outrun
The truth of what has been done
I do not know
How to be happy
How to love
Or how to move on
I never learned
Because you struck me far to young
I use the ones around me
Trying to find a way to crawl out
I end up hurting
Everyone that tried to help

I wish you wouldn’t shout
To much ruckus inside my brain
I wish you would all shut up
Why can you all not see
Leave me be
Let me focus on the pain
I cannot let this go without facing it
I need to learn to rely on me
I’m not asking you to leave
I’m asking you to let me be
Let me learn
To do in on my own
To live this life
And reap the seeds I’ve sown
I need to learn to love
I need to learn to live
I need to learn to forgive
And then maybe I can forget
And she doesn’t even know it happened
Maybe that’s what’s holding me back
My never ending fears
Of the what would happen
Would you even believe me if I told you
And what would you do then?
It would break you

I must do this on my own
Live with my regrets
I will love her
And be happy
There’s nothing you can do
I’m not running any longer
This is me defying you

Daddy

do you enjoy this feeling

watching my head reeling
knowing I can't control
the self hate
you set to roll
does it make you feel good
to see the blood run down my arm
to hear my moans of pleasure
and know that once again
you're the cause of my self harm
does it make you happy
to see my soul now acheing
rolling in my memories
under your piercing gaze
my happiness is baking
do you feel like a man
when you see me cry
knowing I can't hate you
no matter how I try
everything you did to me
everything you said
everything that has been done
plays withing my head
but all the stuff before that
is what makes me wish my death

you were my daddy
the one who healed my wounds
your bloods not in my veins
and that what made me "safe"
how could you romance and woo
a girl of eighteen minus two

I Simply Fell In Love

Sitting here
wanting to cry
wanting to curl up
and simply forget the lies
I let you affect me
I simply don't know why

I learned a long time ago
You'll never love me now
I went and did
Everything that makes you frown
How is it again
I let you get me down
I fell in love
I refuse to leave
I don't do drugs
Not even smoking weed
Yet you would far prefer
If I went through my life high
for you know if I had
She would have passed me by

I do not get high
And I do not get drunk
And I did not get pregnant
From a randomn fuck

How is it you condemn me
When its my happiness you wish
Last time that I saw you
I didn't even get a hug
Nothing have I done wrong
I simply fell in love

Letter To A Child

Hey there honey I hear you're up set
You don't understand
Why mommy's with someone she just met
Daddy’s gone
And you don't know why
Mommy still loves you
And so do I
Daddy had problems
He and mom fought
So a ticket home
Is what he bought
He still loves you
And he'll always be in your heart
But maybe, just maybe
You can find room for a new love to start

Imagery: Nature

            I remember walking through the woods. I remember the damp earthy smell caused by early morning dew. A chill hovers in the air around me, splotches of comforting warmth on my skin as the first rays of sun break through the leafy canopy, the rustle of underbrush as the inhabitants stir, stretching and preening feathers and fur tousled by sleep, the first drowsy calls of birds as they greet the morn. somewhere off to my left and just ahead the babbly of a lazy brook as its cold, clear waters rush and break across the rocky bed. the serenity broken only by the plod of my feet in time to my languid gait, and the whispered click and whir of my shutter in an amateur attempt to capture the beauty and peace of that time and place.
            A doe, three paces right and six ahead, contemplates my approach with luminous brown orbs. Slowly, cautiously I knelt, the dampness of the earth seeping through the rough fabric of my jeans, to steady my aim. As my finger tensed to capture the moment, a fawn, soft velvety brown and flecked with white, almost as if someone had flicked a paintbrush at him, steps to her side. In awe my camera droops slowly and then falls from my hand. My sudden movement to catch it, despite the strap around my neck, scares the doe, gone.
            I rise muttering quiet curses at my own stupidity and brush the muck from me knees, only managing to spread it further as I wipe my hands across my thighs. I move to explore the area where they stood, the only evidence of our encounter a near perfect set of prints in the soft soil. A sudden vibration from my pocket jolts me from my reverie, reminding me of a world that I, for a few moments, had managed to leave behind.

Why Say Goodbye?

Why say goodbye
When tomorrow dawns new
Why run and hide
When emotions run true
Why give up
When you love me and I love you
**********************************
Why waste time
With guilt and apologies
Why act like you've committed a crime
When I told you it's alright with me
Why not just enjoy the sunshine
When fate controls reality
**********************************
Why not just let go, come what may
When tomorrow is another day
Why not just let this go
When its pushing us apart
Why do we have to say goodbye

Blood Stained Love

My heart ripped
Still beating from my chest
Slowly pumping sticky slippery founts
Of agonizing adoration in shades of red
Forming a mirrored pool shining
On the bloody surface my control slipped

On the stretched
And throbbing heartstrings
Strung between my heart in your hands
And the chest you ripped it from
A captivating melody is derived
A picture being sketched
Of two intertwining lives

Two entities
Bound at the eyes
The chest and the mind
We pull and writhe
A haunting dance to the melody
Fighting the blend of our identities

We dance and turn
A dueling ballet
We don’t want to listen
To the ensnaring enchantment
Of our heart’s songs
But we cannot cease them to play

Slowly and painfully
Each heartstring snaps and withers
My heart a little bit closer to you
And a little bit less in my control
We emerge bruised battered and bloodied
And share a final embrace
One lasting all eternity
Ignoring those that glare disdainfully